


Vela Orders A Pizza

by BarrytheBlaseballBoy



Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Genre: Halloween, Long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28160421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarrytheBlaseballBoy/pseuds/BarrytheBlaseballBoy
Summary: Halloween Sequel to Snyder Loses the Remote, it's 13,000 words long.This story is about Vela, who orders a pizza.CW: Swearing, Tillman Henderson is a Main Character, Vampires, There's no Like Visual Descriptions of Blood but Blood is like drained and stuff.ALSO This was written on October 31st so like the characters are prolly way different now than at the time of writing, and the lore is probably different too.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Vela Orders A Pizza

VELA ORDERS A PIZZA

A SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOKY HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

BY BARRY

CHAPTER 1 VELA CONSIDERS ORDERING PIZZA

Int. Shoe Thieves Lounge

Vela: Yo Snyder.

Snyder: What

Vela: You're kind of like a

Vela: Fast food guy right?

Snyder: Excuse you

Snyder: I am no mere 'Fast food guy!'

Snyder: I am a connoisseur.

Vela: Jesus Christ sorry I asked.

Vela: Howell!

Howell: Yeah?

Vela: Can you eat pizza?

Howell: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Simon: No he can't. It will kill him.

Howell: Yeah. That.

Vela: Simon can YOU eat pizza?

Simon: I don't need to eat.

Vela: Oh. Right.

Snyder: 

Snyder: Yo it's kinda fuckin' rude how you like.

Snyder: Just left me hanging-

Vela: Hey Esme!

*Enter Esme*

Esme: Yo

Vela: Where's the best place to get a pizza?

Esme: Like...There's a Pizza Hut a few miles up the street.

Vela: Nah, Pizza Hut sucks.

Esme: There's a Little Caesar's-

Vela: Little Caesar's is objectively worse.

Esme: ...Well the Papa John's got knocked down a year ago, and Cici's Pizza is basically abandoned, so...Domino's??? By default???

Simon: You know it seems like none of us were necessary in this conversation.

Vela: Yeah basically.

Vela: Anyway I'm gonna order a pizza.

CHAPTER 2 VELA ORDERS A PIZZA

*Ring ring*

DOMINO'S: Thank you for calling Domino's, Charleston! An associate will be on with you shortly. Hope you have a Domino'sriffic day!

Vela: 

Vela: Domino'sriffic?

Vela: That doesn't make any sense.

Vela: What the fuck was that board meeting like.

Vela: "Oh hey let's just put our name and add it to the end of Terrific. I make 40 million dollars a year somehow!"

Vela: God.

Vela: And it's not even like you need to add that in there. Like I'm already calling Domino's, you don't need to add a slogan at the end. I'm going to eat your fucking pizza. You've won. You don't need to rub it in my face that I am, yes, eating Domino's.

Vela: Who the hell was like "oops, wrong number, but that robot told me to have a Domino'sriffic day so I guess I gotta follow through!"

DOMINO'S: Uh

Vela:

Vela: How long have you been on the line?

DOMINO'S: ...

DOMINO'S: Four minutes. 

DOMINO'S: I didn't want to...

DOMINO'S: Interrupt.

Vela: Oh. Dude I am so sorry-

DOMINO'S: No it's...It's cool.

DOMINO'S: What can I get you?

Vela: Uhhhhhhhhhh can I get like a personal pan with like-

Vela: Cheese and pepperoni?

Vela: Also like one of those cookie pizzas.

DOMINO'S: What size?

Vela: For the cookie pizza?

DOMINO'S: Yeah.

Vela: Uhhhh like-

Vela: Ok how big would a medium be?

DOMINO'S: Medium is about the size of a personal pan.

Vela: Oh holy shit.

Vela: Give me a small then.

Vela:

Vela: Wow.

DOMINO'S: To be fair, mediums are usually to share.

Vela: Yeah but like I feel there should be a few more steps.

Vela: Like is a large like a regular pizza.

DOMINO'S: Yes.

Vela: Dude.

DOMINO'S: 

DOMINO'S: Do you want like a drink with that?

Vela: No I'm good. But also throw in some garlic knots.

DOMINO'S: Is this for pickup or delivery?

Vela: Delivery. Uhhh address is...

Vela: Choux Stadium, Entrance C.

DOMINO'S: Oh shit-Are you on the Shoe Thieves?

Vela: Uhhhh

Vela: No I'm just a janitor.

Vela: Want that

Vela: Work pizza.

Vela: At 9 pm.

DOMINO'S: Dude I love the Shoe Thieves.

DOMINO'S: Wish their hitting would get a little better though.

Vela:

Vela: Well you know maybe the hitters are just trying their best.

DOMINO'S: I guess.

Vela: ...

Vela: Like that Velazquez Alstott, she's a pretty good hitter.

DOMINO'S: Eh.

Vela: ...

Vela: 'Eh?'

DOMINO'S: Twofer has been kind of mediocre lately. She's just someone for Dickson to score on the sacrifice for at this point.

Vela: 

Vela: Ok so when will the pizza be here

DOMINO'S: Like thirty minutes. Entrance C right?

Vela: Yeah.

DOMINO'S: Whose Kicks?

Vela:

*Vela hangs up*

CHAPTER 3 VELA MAKES A HUGE MISTAKE

*Int Entrance C

Vela: It's been fifty fucking minutes.

Vela: This better mean it's free.

*Domino's Car pulls up*

Vela: Finally

Vela: Jesus Christ

*Suspicious Domino's Deliveryman Exits Vehicle*

Sus: Hellooooooooo!

Vela: Hey man

Vela: You know you're like

Vela: Twenty minutes late

Sus: Sorry, I had some

Sus: Well let's just say

Sus: ...

Sus: Unforeseen obstacles

Vela: What like traffic?

Vela: Dude this is like 4 blocks away you could've walked this shit to me.

Sus: 

Sus: May I come in?

Vela: Wait is that blood on your mouth?

Vela: Are you bleeding?

Vela: Did

Vela: Did you get into a car accident?

Sus:

Sus: Maybe a little

Vela:

Vela: Alright I don't know whether or not to tip you more or less because of that so let's make it an even 0%.

Sus: May I come in?

Vela: Yeah, I don't know how else you plan to deliver the pizza

Vela: So go for it-

Sus: Is that a yes?

Vela: God fuckin-

Vela: YES

Vela: YOU MAY ENTER

Vela: YOU HAVE MY

Vela: UNQUESTIONABLY SOLID

Vela: PERMISSION

Vela: TO ENTER THIS BUILDING

Vela: hey when did you get fangs

CHAPTER 4 VELA FUCKING DIES

Vela: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

CHAPTER 5 THE HERO APPEARS

*Enter Tillman

Tillman: Oh shit

Tillman: Free garlic knots hell yeah dog

*Tillman takes them and leaves*

CHAPTER 6 ...THE HERO REAPPEARS

Tillman: Alright

Tillman: Back for the cookies-

Tillman: Oh hey Vela you're looking less

Tillman: Alive than usual.

Tillman:

Tillman: Wait dude are you dead?

Vela:

Vela: no

CHAPTER 7 JUST KIDDING SHE'S ALRIGHT

Vela: did you eat my garlic knots you asshole

Tillman: Uh

Tillman:

Tillman: So why are you pale?

Vela: delivery guy

Vela: sucked out my blood

Tillman: Wait!

Tillman: Night time-

Tillman: Aversion to garlic-

Tillman: Blood sucking-

Tillman: Vela you were attacked by

Tillman: Leech-man!

Tillman: Half man!

Tillman: Half leech!

Tillman: All evil!

Vela:

Vela: shut up pleaseeee

Tillman: Don't worry, I know just who to call!

CHAPTER 8 ESME GETS A CALL

*Int Cornelius Games's Totally Canonical Party Boat

Esme: Hey Vela! When are you getting down to the party?

Tillman: Uh this is Tillman

Tillman: Wait what party?

Esme: Uh

Esme: Why are you calling me on Vela's phone?

Tillman: There's an emergency and I can't find anyone!

Tillman: Where is everybody

Esme: Ok, and promise you won't get upset

Esme: There's kind of a party at the Games's

Esme: And we kind of forgot to tell you on purpose

Esme: So everyone's here

Esme: Except Simon and Howell

Esme: I genuinely don't know where they are-  
\--------------------------------------------------  
INTERLUDE 1-SIMON AND HOWELL EAT AT FUDDRUCKER'S

*Int Fuddrucker's

Simon: I can't believe you've never had Fuddrucker's

Howell: You're really obsessed with this place

Simon: Dude

Simon: Fuddrucker's is like one of the great American inventions

Simon: Right next to Lightbulbs!

Howell: Italian

Simon: Video Games

Howell: British

Simon: Cars

Howell: German. Or Italian if you just think designing a car is an invention

Simon: ...Hot dogs?

Howell: Roman, actually.

Simon:

Simon: Ice cream?

Howell: Also Roman.

Simon: Ok so Fuddrucker's is the only great American invention.

Howell: Well, we also have chocolate chip cookies

Simon: Oh lit

*Enter Waitress*

Waitress: Hello, and Happy Halloween!

Waitress: Are you two in costume?

Simon: No, we're j-

Waitress: Because people who come in costume get a free side of fries-

Simon: I-

Simon:

Simon: Yes, I am dressed as The Phantom Virus, the main antagonist of the 2001 Straight-to-DVD movie Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase.

Simon: And my friend here is dressed as Bernhardt Stieglitz from Episode 5 of the obscure horror thriller series Kolchak the Night Stalker which is free to watch on NBC's website.

Howell:

Howell: i think the fries already come with entrees

Waitress: Anyway, what would you like to order?

Howell: Uh

Howell: What on this menu won't kill me?

Waitress:

Waitress: im sorry hon can you repeat that

Howell: Well ever since transforming into a werewolf my hybrid simian-canine digestive system has made it difficult for me to digest certain items, leading me to believe that a majority of foodstuffs will surely kill me if I am not 100% sure a monkey and a dog could both eat them with relative safety.

Howell: So uh

Howell: I'll just take a hot dog

Simon: And I'll have a...

Simon: Boourger?

Simon: Is that like

Simon: What is that?

Waitress: Oh that's a regular burger but we dye the buns orange and it costs 10 dollars more.

Simon: Lovely, I'll have that.

*Exit Waitress*

Simon:

Howell: You ever think about how Casual Fridays implies the existence of Competitive Fridays?

Simon:

Simon: All the time.

\---------------------------------------------------  
CHAPTER 8.5 ESME CONTINUES THE CALL

Esme: So wait what's wrong with Vela?

Tillman: Well, she's pale, she can't move, and she can only speak in lowercase letters-

Esme: Wait hold on

Esme: I'm getting possessed.

Ghost: Tillman?

Ghost: Can you hear me?

Tillman: Wait who is this?

Atlas Jonbois: Atlas Jonbois

Atlas: We never had the chance to meet

Tillman: Oh yeah!

Tillman: You died!

Atlas: Yep

Atlas: Anyway, not many people know this but I used to be somethin' of a vampire hunter before I croaked.

Atlas: And what you're describin' right there is the effects of a 3rd-Degree vamp-attack!

Tillman: Oh bummer

Atlas: MAJOR bummer my friend!

Atlas: So what I need you to do is go into my locker and hunt down this vampiric sunva bitch before Vela croaks!

Tillman: Wait Vela's gonna die?

Atlas: Well, human's can usually live without their blood for a while

Atlas: But then the body starts looking for other liquids to pump oxygen around and it starts using the next closest thing-

Tillman: Sweat?

Atlas: Stomach Acid

Tillman: Oh

Tillman: bummer

Atlas: Indeed. Vela's got about until sunrise to get all her blood back before the vampire will have absorbed it all and she'll have no choice but to roam the world as a weird acid-mutant for the rest of her days!

Tillman: Wow these are some high stakes.

Atlas: No they should be on the bottom shelf actually.

Atlas: Anyway I'm gonna party! See you fuckers later!

*Hangs up*

Tillman:

Tillman: Were they always southern?

Vela: i

Vela: i honestly have never spoken to that person in my life

CHAPTER 9 TILLMAN SUITS UP

*Int Atlas's locker

Tillman: Ok

Tillman: Holy water

Tillman: Survival Knife

Tillman: Stakes

Tillman: iCarly Season 3 Box Set

Tillman: Garlic

Tillman: Butcher knife

Tillman: More Holy Water

Tillman: Pen knife

Tillman: Mirror

Tillman: Handsome man in the mirror

Tillman: Hey babe what's good

Tillman: Mallet that's also a knife

Tillman: Two knives fused together

Tillman: A smaller knife

Tillman: A comically large knife strategically placed next to the smaller knife to make it look even bigger

Tillman: An egg sandwich

Tillman: And a rubber duck.

Tillman: Holding a tiny rubber knife.

Tillman: It's weird how many knives Atlas owned

Tillman: Like 2 is a decent number of knives

Tillman: Any more is overkill

Tillman: 

Tillman: Now all I need is a car...

CHAPTER 9 TILLMAN ROASTS A CAR FOR A MINUTE

Int Vela's 2001 Toyota Rav4

Tillman: Wow

Tillman: This is your car?

Vela: fuck you dude it's a nice car

Tillman: It's an old car.

Tillman: I'm pretty sure we have players younger than this car.

Tillman: I'm pretty sure YOU are younger than this car

Vela: only sometimes

Tillman: Like this car is really well maintained

Tillman: Why?

Vela: what do you mean

Tillman: Like with all the money you put into this car you could've bought just a nicer car.

Tillman: Or a car from this decade

Vela: this car is sentimental

Tillman: How

Vela:

Tillman: Tell me exactly the sentimental value of this 19-year-old minivan and I will shut up about it.

Vela:

Vela: i just never got around to getting a new one

Tillman: Like this is the car you'd donate to monster truck rallies solely so you could see it get crushed into pieces.

Vela: whatever just drive

Tillman: This is the kind of car that Godzilla would step on and have to get a tetanus shot after

Tillman: If this car was any older it'd be a Model T.

Vela: you get

Vela: one more

Tillman: 

Tillman: This car is old enough to vote and it'd vote in favor of being put down.

*Tillman starts the car*

Vela: don't crash it

Tillman: Trust me.

Tillman: I promise I won't crash your shitty car.

CHAPTER 10 TILLMAN KEEPS HIS PROMISE

Tillman: So we're going to Domino's?

Vela: yes

Vela: the delivery guy was a vampire so maybe they have their home address

Tillman: Alright but can I stop at Wendy's first?

Vela: didn't you say we had a time limit?

Tillman: Yeah but it's on the way to Domino's

Vela: it is explicitly in the other direction

Tillman: Bro it'll be fine just let me get like a Baconator-

Vela: do not stop at wendy's you son of a -

CHAPTER 11 THEY STOP AT WENDY'S

Tillman: Yeah I'll take a large Baconator combo and uhhhhh

Tillman: Vela you want anything?

Vela: fuck

Vela: you

Tillman: And one Kid's Meal please. Extra toys.

Tillman: Thank you.

Tillman: Oh uhhhhh

Tillman: Vela you want chocolate milk, regular milk, water, or apple juice?

Vela: i want my blood back

Tillman:

Tillman: You know what make than an apple juice please?

Tillman: Thanks.

CHAPTER 12 VELA PLANS A BREAK-IN

Vela: alright since you have no robbery experience what you're gonna do is distract the cashier while i sneak around back

Vela: and find the employee addresses from the manager's office

Tillman: Hey we should come up with a name.

Vela: are you

Vela: are you really doing this

Tillman: How about

Tillman: Tillman and Paleman

Vela:

Tillman: Okay Tillmalquez

Tillman: See I comboed our names together.

Vela: 

Tillman: Oh best one best one

Tillman: The Crab and the Crabby

Tillman: Because you're really ruining the vibe rn not gonna lie

Vela: im sneaking inside

Tillman: Fine fine I'm coming.

*They enter the Domino's*

Vela: alright distract him

Tillman: How?

Vela: i dunno order a pizza or like start knocking over chairs or something just do something flashy

Tillman: Got it.

Tillman: *Ahem*

Tillman: THIS IS A ROBBERY!

Tillman: EVERYONE GET ON THE GROUND AND EMPTY YOUR PURSES!

Cashier: Dude

Cashier: I'm the only one here and I don't own a purse.

Tillman: Oh.

Tillman: Do you want a purse? Because I think my mom left some in my room and I can like swing by and get one for you to empty.

Cashier:

Cashier: Honestly? 

Cashier: Yeah go for it.

CHAPTER 12.5 ROBBERY CONTINUES

Tillman: Ok, now that you have your purse like

Tillman: 

Tillman: Empty it?

Cashier: Ok ok

*They empty the purse onto the ground*

Cashier: Wow that's a lot of

Cashier: People Magazines and Nail Filers

Tillman: Yeah, I didn't think this through.

Tillman: I'm sorry, this is my first time.

Cashier: Oh no it happens to a lot of robbers. 

Tillman: Yeah it's just...

Cashier: Do you want me to like empty out the register?

Tillman: No I don't even need the money I'm actually rich as fuck.

Tillman: I'm just a distraction while my partner finds the address of one of your vampire delivery boys or whatever.

Vela: wow you fucking asshole

Cashier: Oh is that it?

Cashier: Dude I would've given you that right now.

Cashier: Privacy is explicitly discouraged by corporate.

Tillman: Oh rad.

Tillman: Hell yeah give me that address.

CHAPTER 13 TILLMAN IS GIVEN THAT ADDRESS

Tillman: Thanks

Cashier: Oh yeah don't mention it.

CHAPTER 14 TILLMAN MENTIONS IT

Tillman: Wow can you believe they gave me that address?

Vela: dude i already go the address like an hour ago

Vela: if i knew the bus routes in this town i wouldn't need you

Tillman: Anyway the address is...

Tillman: Oh holy cow!

Tillman: It's in Baltimore!

Vela: wait like

Vela: your hometown baltimore?

Tillman: Yeah!

Tillman: Aw man, this night just turned from good to great!

Vela: still dying

Vela: don't feel great about spending 8 hours with you either

Tillman: Well hey, you better get used to it!

Tillman: And the one CD I brought:

Tillman: Lou Bega's Greatest Hits!

Vela: wait, didn't he only write one popular song

Vela:

Vela: tillman i am not listening to one song for the entire-

LOU BEGA'S GREATEST HITS VOLUME 15: A little bit of Monica in my life

LOU BEGA'S GREATEST HITS VOLUME 15: A little bit of Erica by my side

LOU BEGA'S GREATEST HITS VOLUME 15: A little bit of Rita is all I need

LOU BEGA'S GREATEST HITS VOLUME 15: A little bit of Tina is what I see

LOU BEGA'S GREATEST HITS VOLUME 15: A little bit of Sandra in the sun

\---------------------------------------------------------

INTERLUDE 2: SNYDER AND HOTBOX WATCH SEASON 3 EPISODE 18 OF ZOEY 101

Hotbox: So wait ghosts are real?

Hotbox: In the Zoey 101 universe? 

Snyder: Yes ghosts are real.

Snyder: And they sometimes possess butts

Hotbox: That's stupid

Snyder: Yeah the butt-face joke was really easy when you-

Hotbox: No the ghosts existing part.

Hotbox: Ghosts aren't real.

Snyder:

Snyder: Hotbox, Esme is haunted and right over there.

Snyder: Ghosts are real!

Hotbox: No, she is possessed by spirits.

Hotbox: Spirits cannot exist without a channeling force like Esme.

Hotbox: I.e. ghosts aren't real. 

Snyder: Wait, you're a smoke monster, how do you NOT believe in ghosts?

Hotbox: Well

Hotbox: I've never met a ghost.

Snyder: What is Eugenia then?

Hotbox: Swamp gas.

Snyder: I am

Snyder:

Snyder: Actually you may be right

Snyder: But wait, you can't accept ghosts? You fought an angry peanut god and then watched it get eaten by a bigger squid god last year!

Hotbox: Look, ghosts aren't real. Just werewolves, smoke monsters, living space rocks, talking penguins, and whatever the hell Blood Hamburger is.

Blood: Did someone say my name?

Hotbox + Snyder: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

CHAPTER 14 THE PARADE

LOU BEGA'S GREATEST HITS VOLUME 15: A little bit of Tina is what I see

Tillman: Ok we're here.

Tillman: Oh shit there's a parade?

Vela: what do you mean

Vela: you live here how is this surprising

Tillman: Well like

Tillman: To be fair I didn't get out much

Vela: gee i wonder why

Tillman: Well it's because Baltimore is very cold.

Tillman: And scary.

Tillman: And I kept getting locked in my mansion.

Vela: hey wait who's leading the parade?

Tillman: Oh no way-

CHAPTER 15 SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE WINNIE HESS

Winnie: Oh hey Vela what's good?

Winnie: Why are you all the way up here?

Vela: well-

Tillman: Hey Winnie!!! Long time no see! Why haven't you returned my calls?

Winnie:

Winnie: Vela why is Tillman here?

Vela: why are you here

Winnie: Well usually other Crabs would run the Halloween parade but since they're all uh

Winnie:

Winnie: Whatever happened to them

Winnie: I took over this year's parade.

Vela: oh that's nice

Winnie: Yeah, it's hard work but at least I get to get out of fuckin' Kansas for a few days.

Winnie: I fucking hate rectangular states.

Winnie: So many of these states are just rectnagular like they ran out of ideas.

Winnie: "West Virginia? Turkey shaped. New York? Hat shaped. Vermont? I dunno, sideways gun."

Winnie: "But like 20 of them will just be rectangles."

Tillman: That seems like a weird gripe.

Winnie: It fucks with my chakras.

Winnie: Speaking of!-Why is Tillman here?

Vela: a uhhhh vampire stole all my blood and he was the only one around to help me get it back

Tillman: Yeah, he's on Light Street right next to Blue Agave

Tillman: Which is ironic because you know

Tillman: Vampire. Light. Don't mix.

Winnie: Oh hey! I can direct the parade towards there!

Winnie: You know, surround the perimeter, make sure this vampire doesn't escape?

Tillman: Oh that'd be-

Vela: -that'd be great Winnie. you're the best.

Winnie: Please, I take care of all my Facebook followers.

Tillman: Wait you have a Facebook?

CHAPTER 16 TILLMAN HUNTS A VAMPIRE

Vela: fucking finally

Tillman: Alright, so I'm strapped in and ready to hunt this uh

Tillman: Actually now that I think about it I'm kind of just killing a delivery driver

Tillman: And as a celebrity that may not be the best look.

Vela: no way

Vela: there is no way you're doing this now

Tillman: All I'm saying is it may not be very moral...

Vela: moral?

Vela: that asshole stole all of my blood!

Tillman: I mean maybe they donated it to the blood bank.

Tillman: For all the underprivileged vampires to snack on.

Vela: oh my god just go kill this vampire or i will must enough strength to do it myself

Tillman: Fine fine.

*Tillman tries to enter the house*

Tillman: I cannot enter this house.

Sus: That's right bitch!

*Enter Suspicious Delivery Boy From Before*

Vela: hey its that fucker

Parade: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sus: You know I have a name.

Vela: what is it

Tobias: Tobias

Tillman: Can I call you Toby?

Toby: Sure.

Toby: Anyway you know how vampires cannot enter a house without permission?

Toby: Works both ways baby.

Tillman: So you're saying I need your permission to enter your house.

Toby: Correct.

Tillman:

Tillman: May I come in?

Toby: Are you going to kill me?

Tillman: That's the plan.

Toby: Then no.

*Door slams*

Tillman:

Tillman: Well we tried, let's go home.

Vela: shit. toby!

Toby: Yeah what's up?

Vela: can i have my blood back?

Toby: See I would but like

Toby: You know you were really kinda rude to me.

Toby: When I gave you the pizza

Vela: oh my god you cannot be serious

Toby: See it's that.

Toby: That's why I'm not giving you your blood back.

Toby: Also I need to mail it.

Vela: what?

Toby: Like I ate a guy on my way to give you your pizza but

Toby: Who's the real monster?

Vela: you!

Vela: you literally eat people!

Tillman: That's a matter of perspective honestly.

Toby: Hey.

Toby: I really like your energy man.

Tillman: Yo bro I was thinking the same thing. But it was kinda bogus how you stole my friend's-

Vela: we're not friends-

Tillman: My pal's blood here. Imma need you to give it back.

Toby: No can do, sorry.

Tillman: Ok, we'll be back in a second.

Vela: where are we going?

Tillman: I just had the biggest brained moment of my life.

CHAPTER 17 THE MAT STORE

Tillman: If we buy a welcome mat, and give it to Toby as a gift.

Tillman: Technically they invited us in, right?

Vela: that's actually

Vela: i mean it's stupid

Vela: like beyond stupid

Vela: but really smart for you tillman

Tillman: Aw thanks

Tillman:

Tillman: Wait what do you mean 'for you'

Vela: just take the compliment.

Tillman: Fine. What color Welcome Mat should we get them?

Vela: why do we care

Tillman: Well first of all, we want them to accept it. If we give Toby a shitty welcome mat they'll reject it and see through our plan.

Tillman: Secondly, they deserve to have their last gift be nice! They seem like good people!

Vela: they drank my blood!

Vela: they drank my blood and then refused to give it back!

Vela: they are the worst people!

Tillman: I'm thinkin

Tillman: Sepia.

Tillman: A nice yellow-brown.

Tillman: Or just brown with a bold black typeface.

Vela: uhhhhh

Vela: what about blue

Tillman: Nah blue is too flashy.

Vela: no like a navy blue with white lettering

Vela: you know something that brings in a shade of summer and the ocean to his baltimore townhouse

Tillman: You know that could work actually.

Vela: i mean why don't we buy both of them

Vela: you can afford it

Tillman: Well yeah but like

Tillman: Can I write it off as a charitable expense? In my taxes?

Vela: why pay taxes at all?

Tillman: Well

Tillman:

Tillman: Huh

Tillman: I learned something today

Vela: anyway let's fuckinnnn kill a vampire dude.

CHAPTER 18 TILLMAN HUNTS A VAMPIRE FOR REAL THIS TIME

Tillman: Alright Toby

Toby: Ye

Tillman: We felt bad about Vela being a huge asshole to you

Tillman: So we got you a present to feel better

Toby: Oh lit

Tillman: Do you like

Tillman: Accept it???

Toby: What is it?

Tillman: Welcome mat.

Toby: Oh cool yeah that's nice.

Tillman: Wait so just to clarify, you're letting us put this welcome mat.

Tillman: Outside your door.

Toby: Correct.

Tillman: And you're agreeing this is now

Tillman: your welcome mat.

Toby: Also correct.

Tillman: Ok I'm coming in to kill you now

Toby: Wait but I didn't welcome you in-

Toby: Oh.

Toby: Ohhhhhh I see what you did there-

Toby: That's very clever I'm not even mad that you're going to try to kill me.

CHAPTER 19 IN THE BELLY OF THE BEAST

Vela: alright you have like

Vela: your stake and whatever?

Tillman: Yeah and a bunch of knives

Tillman: Is it weird that Atlas owned like 15 knives?

Vela: uhhh no?

Vela: what if they were really into cooking

Tillman: No but like these are like stabbing knives

Tillman: Well there is one butcher's knife but I think it was also used for offensive purposes.

Vela: huh

Vela: well maybe they were vampire hunting tools

Vela: like you can never be sure when you need a knife to cut down a rope or a ghoul or somethin'

Tillman: Yeah that makes sense I guess

Tillman: What do you think Toby?

Tillman: Wait-

Toby: Boo!

*Tillman stabs Toby with a knife.*

Toby: Ha! You can't kill me with a knife!

*Tillman stabs Toby with a stake*

Toby: FUCK

*Toby turns into a pile of dust*

Tillman: Wow.

Tillman: Their last words were "FUCK"

Tillman: Really makes you think. What will my last words be? Will they be profound and well-meaning, subtle goodbyes to my friends and family?

Tillman: Or will they be "Fuck?"

Tillman: Then again, isn't "Fuck" in and of itself a profound statement? That in our crazy world-

Vela: tillman

Vela: blood

Tillman: Oh yeah.

Tillman: Hey wait isn't that your blood being carried by that handsome Fedex Delivery Guy?

Fedex Guy: Hey.

Tillman: Hey.

Vela: hey!

Tillman: Oh right.

Tillman: Hey dude don't deliver that blood my friend needs it.

Vela: we're not

Vela: fuck it whatever

Fedex Guy: Can't. Company policy.

Tillman: Oh.

Vela: what the fuck i am going to die

Fedex Guy: Well there's no need to be dramatic.

Vela: this is the exact time to be dramatic!

Tillman: Ok can you tell us where you're delivering this blood?

Fedex Guy: Sure. Company Policy.

Vela: wait how is that

Fedex Guy: So this is going to 

Fedex Guy: Hell.

Vela: im sorry what

Fedex Guy: Hell.

Fedex Guy: The Underworld

Fedex Guy: Hades

Fedex Guy: Right near the river Styx.

Tillman: Oh yeah I heard it's lovely this time of year.

Fedex Guy: Mmm.

Fedex Guy: Anyways see ya I have to go to hell.

*Exit Fedex Guy*

Tillman: 

Vela: why didn't you stop him!!??

Tillman: Uhh company policy. I don't want him to get fired.

Vela: gahhhhhhh

Tillman: Why didn't YOU stop him.

Vela: im dying.

Tillman: Yeah wait about that are you in like

Tillman: Pain?

Vela: no. im actually feeling just like tired.

Vela: and honestly im not really dying dying its more like if i dont get my blood back ill become like a ghoul or something

Vela: so im fine in general but id prefer to have my blood back

Tillman: That's good. I think some people would feel really bad if they had to read a whole story where one of the Main Characters that they like were in excruciating pain the entire time, hence leading to a damped experience overall.

Vela: anyway let's get to my car.

CHAPTER 20 VELA'S CAR GETS IMPOUNDED

Vela: wait what

Winnie: Yeah turns out you parked right in the middle of parade grounds.

Winnie: So it's in car prison now.

Vela: do you mean the impound lot

Winnie: No I'm pretty sure it's car prison.

Vela: fuck we don't have time for this-

Vela: we'll take the bus.

Tillman: Ewwww the bus?

Vela: 

Vela: ok fuck you buses are a valuable commodity to the average society and if our government put a little more effort into supporting public transport maybe buses wouldn't have the moniker of 'oh gross having to ride with other people' even though that stigma is pushed and promoted entirely by people who stand to gain money from the sale of private automobiles that are a major producer of carbon emissions that have led to it becoming the number one way americans contribute to climate change

Winnie:

Tillman:

Winnie: So the next bus leaves in like

Winnie: Three lines

Tillman: It was nice seeing you again Winnie!

Winnie: Haha if you say so ok bye forever.

CHAPTER 21 TILLMAN TAKES A NAP

*Int Bus

Tillman: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Vela: finally

Vela:

Vela: holy shit is that

Brain David Gilbert: Hey.

BDG: It's me.

Vela: oh my god

Vela: are you real or a figment of bloodless brain

BDG: That depends

BDG: If I was a figment could I do...

BDG: THIS?

*BDG does a handstand in the middle of the bus.*

Vela: i mean maybe

Vela: ive never really hallucinated before

BDG: Oh really?

BDG: I'm sorry.

Vela: no don't apologize it's fine.

BDG: So are you going to hell too?

Vela: yeah. i have to steal my blood back from a vampire or some bullshit

BDG: I'm researching for my new unraveled video

BDG: "How accurate is Dante to Dante from Dante's Inferno."

Vela: i mean i don't think dante had guns in inferno

Vela: i also don't think he had a sword or a cool hat

BDG: Well I'll probably find something else. Like maaybe I'll make it a DOOM video instead?

Vela: mf doom?

BDG: No like the video game.

Vela: do you think mf doom has ever played doom

BDG: Maybe honestly. I think Doom playing DOOM is very funny.

BDG: Stealin' that.

Vela: oh

Vela: can i be credited

BDG: Nope!

Vela:

Vela: aw shucks.

BDG: Just kidding you're good fam.

Vela: lit.

BDG: Anyway why are you with Tillman?

Vela: oh well he's the only person who was able to help me at the time

Vela: weirdly enough he's been remarkably...

Vela: bearable

BDG: That sounds out of character for him.

Vela: well maybe it's development or some shit

Vela: anyway im really hungry is there any foodstops near here?

BDG: Just one.

BDG: But I think you'll like it.

Vela: no way

Vela: is it-

CHAPTER 22 VELA EATS AT TIM HORTON'S

vela: hell yeah

vela: fuck yeah dude

vela: hellllllll yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

vela: this rules

vela: this rules so fucking much

vela: tillman wake up

Tillman: Oh yeah what is it

vela: we're at tim horton's baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

vela: best place on earth

Tillman: Hey Vela?

Tillman: What's up with your name?

vela: what do you mean?

vela: oh shit

vela: the blood loss has effected my v!

Tillman: Goodness gracious!

vela: ok after we get our delicious donuts and coffee at a reasonable price

vela: we need to get to hell really quickly.

Tillman: I mean we can get back on the bus right now honestly

vela: no look if we fail i want to know i died prioritizing tim horton's over myself.

Tillman: Valid, if not a little confusing.

CHAPTER 23 BACK ON THE BUS

Tillman: So BDG was on the bus?

vela: yeah he's gone now

Tillman: Man I can't believe I missed Brain David Gilbert.

vela: nah he didn't seem to like you honestly

Tillman: Aw really?

vela: yeah

vela: sorry

Tillman:

Tillman: Hey I noticed you've stayed one consistent age this entire journey

Tillman: What's up with that?

vela: oh that?

vela: i need blood to do that and i am currently out of it.

Tillman: Ah makes sense.

Tillman: Because of science.

vela: because of science.

Tillman:

Tillman: So does this bus have a celebrity?

vela: should have one

Tillman: I'm not seeing any...

vela: oh look it's matt haack from the miami dolphins

Tillman: He doesn't count!

vela: what do you mean he plays in the nfl

Tillman: Just because you play sports professionally doesn't make you a celebrity.

Tillman: Like is Ray Calais a celebrity?

vela: hey that's not fair

vela: ray calais is on the practice squad

Tillman: It's still his job!

Tillman: It's still his profession!

Tillman: Doesn't make him a celebrity.

Matt Haack: Uhhh you guys are being a lil loud and I'm trying to listen to my audiobook-

vela: shut up matt no one likes your team

Tillman: Yeah the Dolphins are wasting Tua.

vela: yeah

Tillman: Yeah

vela: fuck your team bitch

Tillman: Go join a real team like the Toronto Raptors.

vela: you're only relevant because of fitzmagic

Tillman: Yeah why couldn't you be Ryan Fitzmagic

Tillman: Absolute dreamboat.

Matt Haack: Guys I'm just a punter and honestly-

Matt Haack: Wait why is there some guy standing in the middle of the road?

*The bus crashes*

CHAPTER 24 SURPRISE ATTACK

Tillman: 

vela:

Matt Haack: Is everyone okay?

vela: yeah im good

Tillman: Same here.

vela: i ate all the fire in the explosion so basically all i got are scrapes.

Tillman: Oh, will you ever use that power again?

vela: nope!

Bus Driver: I'm ok too by the way.

Bus Driver: I mean I lost my bus which was a gift from my wife but like

Bus Driver: Eh. Our marriage isn't in a great spot now.

vela: what about the person we hit?

vela: are they good?

Tillman: Yeah they're standing.

Tillman: Oh and they're walking towards us!

Tillman: Oh!

Tillman: Oh they weren't hurt at all were they.

Obvious Vampire: It appears not.

vela: fuck

Tillman: Bro why 

Tillman: Were you trying to kill Matt Haack?

Tillman: Because A. It didn't work and B. You need better life goals if you are.

Matt Haack: Ok what the fuck

Tillman: Shut up you know I'm right.

Obvious Vampire: Silence!

Obvious Vampire: My name is Benedict Saxon Silvian The 3rd, and I am here to-

vela: wait can you repeat that

Benedict Saxon Silvian The 3rd: My name is Benedict Saxon Silvi-

vela: its too long bro

Tillman: What about Benny?

Benny: I am trying to-

vela: what about saxon? good middle name nickname

Tillman: Ehhhh

Saxon: Will you two just let me-

Tillman: Oh what about Dickie?

vela: ooooh i like it

Dickie: HEY!

Dickie: KNAVES!

vela:

Tillman: The fuck you just call us?

Dickie: Knaves. Like impetuous louts. Or sheep-biting moldwarps. Swag-bellied mildewed-ears like yourselves.

vela: im sorry i did what to a sheep?

Tillman: And my whole body is full of swag, not just my belly.

Dickie: I am here to destroy the vampire hunter before he encroaches upon the sacred Underworld Territory of Darius the Undying.

Tillman: Wait who?

Dickie: Are you not Tillman Henderson?

Tillman: Yeah I am but like-

Tillman: I'm not a vampire hunter.

Dickie: You have verily slayed Tobias the Delivery Boy not two hours past!

Dickie: Thou is truly a vampire hunter!

Tillman: Ok first off-

Tillman: I don't speak your nonsense language.

Dickie: It's 

Dickie: It's english

Tillman: Secondly

Tillman: Killing one vampire doesn't make me a vampire hunter!

Tillman: Like one time I hit a mailbox with my hummer, doesn't make me Tillman the Mailbox Hunter!

Dickie: Well it will be the last vampire you kill!

*Dickie rushes Tillman*

Tillman: Oh yeah well-

Tillman: Smoke screen!

*Tillman vapes and exhales right in Dickie's face*

Dickie: WHAT THE FUCK!

Dickie: AH BITCH!

Dickie: I CAN'T SEE SHIT!

*Vela runs from behind stabs Dickie with a stake*

Tillman: Hasta la vapesa

Tillman: Dickie

*Dickie explodes*

vela:

vela: 'hasta la vapesa?'

vela: also 

vela: i think now im now a vampire hunter.

Tillman: No, that was self-defense, NOT hunting. 

Tillman: You're a vampire self-defenser.

Tillman: If you kill that uhhhh

Matt Haack: King Darius

Tillman: Thanks

Tillman: If you kill that Vampire King youll be a vampire hunter.

vela: fine whatever.

vela:

vela: so how are we going to get to the underworld anyway-

Tillman: I have an idea!

\------------------------------------------------------

INTERLUDE 3-STU GETS A PHONE CALL

*Ext Best Buy Parking Lot

Stu: Man I forgot how fun this was!

*Stu is breaking bottles in the Best Buy Parking Lot by herself*

Stu: Fuck yeah dude!

*Ring, Ring*

Stu: What's up Vela?

Tillman: Hey no it's actually Tillman-

Stu: Nope.

*Stu hangs up*

Stu: Well that was a close call.

*Stu breaks another bottle in the Best Buy Parking Lot*

Stu: HELL YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

\-----------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 25 TILLMAN'S PLAN FAILED MISERABLY

Tillman: Well I'm out of ideas.

vela: hey look is that a car

vela: where do i know that car from...?

Tillman: Wait, isn't that?

CHAPTER 26 SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE JAYLEN HOTDOGFINGERS

Jaylen: Holy shit Vela?

vela: howdy

Jaylen: You're all pale and...

Jaylen: Lowercase...

Jaylen: Tillman what did you do now?

Tillman: Nothing!

Tillman: Also nice to see you again too.

Jaylen: Oh yeah it's good to see you Tillman.

vela: hey jaylen we sorta need to get to hell

Jaylen: Oh!

Jaylen: Okay get in the car I'll drive you there-

vela: and ill explain the plot while the chapter breaks

*They get into Jaylen's car*

CHAPTER 27 AND THEN VELA TOLD JAYLEN WHAT HAPPENED IN THE OTHER 26 CHAPTERS

*Int Jaylen's 2015 Hyundai Sonata

Jaylen: Huh.

Jaylen: So this wasn't Tillman's fault?

vela: not entirely

vela: he did get my car impounded though

Jaylen: Yeah but your car was a piece of shit.

Jaylen: Like I've died twice and that car feels worse than me.

Tillman: EXACTLY!

Jaylen: Like your car can apply for senior citizenship.

Tillman: Her can is so old it's father was a Buggy and it's Mom was a Cart.

Jaylen: Her car is so old that the first license plate was in Roman Numerals.

vela: you both are buttholes

Tillman: Hey I literally killed two vampires today for you.

Tillman: It'd be nice to feel a little appreciated.

vela: uh excuse you. we're one for one.

Tillman: Ok hold on I get .5 for the assist.

vela: i don't think you do

Tillman: Jaylen weigh in on this

Jaylen: uhhh

Jaylen: Honestly that last one sounded like a...

vela: dont

Jaylen: Group effort?

Tillman: YEAH

Tillman: BOO-YAH!

Jaylen: Ah, c'mon Tillman.

Tillman: Aww ok.

Jaylen: Also it's weird how you two are

Jaylen:

Jaylen: Ok?

Jaylen: With murder now.

vela: its not murder

Jaylen: You tracked a person to their house across state lines and then forced an entry and then killed them.

Jaylen: I'm not gonna lie it's pretty much 3rd Degree Murder.

vela: well

vela: i think its justified-

Jaylen: If you say so.

Tillman:

Tillman: So Jaylen are you still listening to fuckin-

Jaylen: Oh god not now.

*Tillman turns on the CD Player*

*Tim McGraw's Just to See You Smile Starts playing*

Tillman: Ha!

Tillman: Vela can you believe the kind of hick shit Jaylen likes?

Jaylen: Oh my god shut up.

Jaylen: I'll have you know Tim McGraw is a visionary artist in the world of country.

Tillman: You said that about John Mellencamp last year.

Jaylen: I was RIGHT about John Mellencamp last year!

Tillman: Ok, I'll concede that Cherry Bomb is mediocre.

Jaylen: Oh what, and 2 Chainz's Money Maker is better?

Tillman: 2 Chainz is the most underrated artist of our time, I'm saying it now.

Jaylen: C'mon, he's had like one song this year.

Tillman: He also had NO TV!

Jaylen: Sorry, one GOOD song.

Tillman: God, you're like impossible to talk to-

vela: ok!

vela: what the fuck is going on

Jaylen: Oh we've had this sort of Rap vs Country feud going on and-

vela: no no no

vela: jaylen 

vela: youre acting really...

vela: ...friendly?

vela: with tillman

Tillman: Uhh yeah because we're friends dumbass.

Jaylen: Hey that's uncalled for Tilly.

vela: tilly?!

Tillman: She knows calling me that annoys the FUCK outta me.

Tillman: And there's like 0 options for me to come back at.

Tillman: What do I call her-

Tillman: Hotdog?

Tillman: Fingies?

Tillman: I tried Jaylien for a while but then I seemed like the asshole in that scenario.

vela:

vela: ok when did you two-

vela: like start talking?

Tillman: Uhhh like right after that Day X thing.

Tillman: The peanut thing.

Jaylen: Oh yeah it was really weird when I heard Tillman fucking Henderson's ghost talking to me.

Jaylen: I thought it was my receiver acting weird.

Tillman: Yeah but it worked really well for the plan.

vela: 

vela: im sorry the plan?

Jaylen: Tillman!

Jaylen: You can't fucking just-

vela: no way

vela: it was planned?

Jaylen: What?

vela: the swap.

vela: us getting tillman-

vela: all that.

vela: it was planned?

Tillman: Oh all of it.

Jaylen: Yeah.

Jaylen: I guess I can tell you now that it's over.

Jaylen: I knew about the Hallstars since I was dead. When I came back I had was a coordinator...Acting via an outgoing reciever.

Jaylen: And it was a pretty steady course until Tillman croaked and took the pitching spot in the Hallstars.

Tillman: Yeah I am not a great pitcher. But people love me for my attitude!

vela:

vela: sure.

Jaylen: So we arranged the swap after Day X happened. I'd die and take Tillman out of the idol-equation so I'd be the pitcher against the Pods.

Tillman: Meanwhile I had to get prepared to make sure no one else got switched out-Plus I had to make it look like a horrible accident or the Pods could've mobilized something.

Tillman: Of course everyone shouted mean things at me when I got back, which was kind of fucking rude.

Tillman: And I had to pitch like in the playoffs the next day.

Tillman: So I really kind of got fucked there all in all.

Jaylen: What?

Jaylen: I had to FIGHT GOD.

Tillman: You had to pitch one game. Plus you pitched for both sides!

Tillman: So you objectively couldn't lose!

Jaylen: Hold on 

Jaylen: I had a 50/50 chance of disappearing like Alex did.

Tillman: It worked out! Plus even if it didn't you'd probably be in blaseball nirvana.

Tillman: Blirvana.

vela: wait it was all planned?

vela: you disappearing

vela: us having to deal with tillman

vela: we were like...

vela: pawns?

Tillman: Oooh does that make me a knight?

Jaylen: Yeah, because you're like the second most useless piece.

Jaylen: Also dibs on being the queen because I always was and shall forever be it.

vela: 

vela: you both suck

vela: you both suck like so much!

Tillman: Hey! 1.5 vampires!

vela: oh my goddddd shut up

vela: jaylen, you knew for

vela: weeks!

Jaylen: 

vela: we held 

vela: a funeral!

vela: tillman you were at that funeral!

Tillman: To be fair it was really weird because Jaylen was talking the entire time and-

vela: -no no no shut up shut up right the fuck now

vela: you knew? you knew she could come back?

Tillman:

Tillman: Yes.

vela: and you!

vela: you planned your own death for what like

vela: a year?

Jaylen: It was

Jaylen: Look-If we told you or anyone on the Thieves it would've spiraled. The Pods could've found out. The fans could've tried to stop me. Tillman could've been taken off the idol board and then he'd be the pitcher last season.

Jaylen: Not telling you guys was the hardest thing I've had to do. Then once it was all over...It seemed better to not tell anyone.

Jaylen: But it worked out!

Jaylen: I'm alive!

Jaylen: Tillman's alive!

Jaylen: YOU'RE alive.

vela: oh dont pull that shit

vela: you cant convince me i owe my life to fucking tillman henderson

Tillman: Well thanks.

vela: fuck you

vela: fuck the both of you

vela: 

vela: god

vela: 

vela: i need to use the bathroom

CHAPTER 28 JAYLEN AND VELA TALK

*Ext the roof of Jaylen's 2015 Hyundai Sonata

*Enter Jaylen*

Jaylen: Hey

vela:

vela: where's tillman

Jaylen: I sent him to go get snacks.

vela:

vela: whatd you have him get?

Jaylen: Uhh like Cheese Nips?

vela: are you fucking kidding me

vela: of all the snacks you choose the worst one

Jaylen: Hey, Cheese Nips aren't awful.

Jaylen: Also he's getting Goldfish too.

vela: great, if we come across a rogue 3rd grader at 2am we'll hand them to it.

Jaylen:

Jaylen: Are you ok?

vela: no, ive had to hang out with tillman all night-

vela: -after he stole my pizza-

vela: -and then i found out he and someone i thought i was close with secretly planned some black magic fuckery behind my entire team's back.

Jaylen: Well.

Jaylen: Ok if you're going to be mad about anyone about that be mad at me.

Jaylen: Tillman was just the person that needed to leave the Hallstars, and he was

Jaylen: Nice?

Jaylen: Enough to not tell anyone.

vela:

vela: i guess im more mad you didnt tell me

vela: tillman thats in character for him but

vela: we barely talk anymore 

vela: i thought we were at least like friendly

vela: if not friends

vela: now i find out im lower on friendship list than tillman

Jaylen: To be fair Tillman's pretty high on that-

vela: which i also don't get!

vela: what the fuck dude?

Jaylen: ...Look, Tillman can be a...

Jaylen: Well, a nightmare at times.

Jaylen: But when you coordinate something that big with someone, even if they suck-

Jaylen:-And you can't tell anyone else about it, and all the people that knew about are beyond death itself...

Jaylen: Tillman was the only person alive I could talk to while I was on the Hall Stars. He kept me updated. He told me everything was going fine. Talking to him became routine for me because it was one of the few things keeping me sane.

Jaylen: I guess...

Jaylen: I guess I just kept that part of my routine when I came back.

vela:

vela: ok

Jaylen: Look, I've been a bad friend to you.

Jaylen: To most of the Shoe Thieves actually.

Jaylen: I did run into Snyder and Stu a while ago-

vela: oh right that thing

vela: that was fucking stupid

Jaylen: Oh yeah it was really stupid.

Jaylen: Fucking time cops or some shit?

Jaylen: Ridiculous.

vela: yeah

vela: at least my escapade is completely grounded in the reality of vampires and hell.

Jaylen: Do you need me to help you with this

Jaylen: Vampire thing?

vela: honestly?

vela: me and tillman have got it

Jaylen:

Jaylen: Okay.

Jaylen: I'll drive you to Hell, it's like five minutes away, and then I'll get going.

vela: alright

Jaylen:

vela:

Jaylen:

vela: so

vela: tim mcgraw?

Jaylen: Ok don't you fucking start.

vela: john mellencamp?

Jaylen: They're good!

vela: if youre forty

Jaylen: Wait how old do you think I am?

vela: fifty

*Enter Tillman*

Tillman: Hey so I didn't get Cheese Nips because they fucking suck I got like a bunch of Doritos.

Jaylen: Yeah that's probably for the best.

vela:

Tillman: Hey Vela uhhhh

Tillman: Sorry for eating your garlic knots.

Tillman: And impounding your car.

Tillman: And stopping at Wendy's.

Tillman: And not telling you about Jaylen.

Tillman: And for storing acorns in your locker for the winter.

vela: wait that was you?

Tillman: Uhhhhhh no it was-

Tillman:

Tillman: ...Yeah it was me.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
INTERLUDE 4 GUNTHER SERVES HIS CIVIC DUTY

*Int Polling Box*

Esme: There's no way this is legal.

Fitz: Gunther is legally over 18 in penguin years.

Esme: How could you possibly know that?

Fitz: I don't, but they got a ballot either way.

Esme: Fair enough-

*Exit Gunther*

Esme: How'd you do buddy?

Gunther: I wasn't sure about any of the options because I can't read...

Gunther: So I put down 

Gunther: Wimdy?

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 29 VELA VS THE GRIM REAPER

*Ext Gates of Hell

vela: alright let's get movin'

Tillman: So wait what's the difference between Hell and Tartarus? 

vela: technically we need to go through tartarus to get to hell

vela: like think of it like manhattan and the bronx

vela: you gotta go through one to get to the other

Tillman: Oh I see.

Tillman: Then again I think Hell may be nicer than those two.

vela: oh yeah for sure

vela: anyway, here we are

GRIM REAPER: Not so fast!

vela: oh 

GRIM REAPER: Only the dead are allowed to enter Hell!

GRIM REAPER: One of you is clearly not!

GRIM REAPER: The other one?

GRIM REAPER: Honestly it looks like they could wait like four hours and come back.

Tillman: Hey!

vela: they were talking about me!

GRIM REAPER: ANYWAY

GRIM REAPER: Like shoo.

GRIM REAPER: Get off my property.

vela: wait isnt guarding the gates of hell like 

vela: cerberus's job?

GRIM REAPER: He had to go to the vet.

GRIM REAPER: Demon fleas.

vela: oooh yikes.

vela: anyway we need to get going to get my blood back from some vampires

GRIM REAPER: Wellllll

GRIM REAPER: If you REALLY want entry to Hell one of you must best me in a contest.

vela: what kind of contest?

GRIM REAPER: Any one the entrant wishes! BUT

GRIM REAPER: If you lose, I get your soul!

vela: wait i have an idea-

vela: what if he battles for the two of us but i pick the competition?

Tillman: What?

GRIM REAPER: Acceptable.

Tillman: Vela, this is a bad idea-

vela: tillman, just follow my lead. trust me, i have a plan, and it's a damn good one too.

Tillman:

Tillman: Ok.

vela: alright are you two ready?

GRIM REAPER: INDEED.

Tillman: ...Yes.

vela:

vela: I am thinking of a number between one and a billion.

vela: first one to guess it wins.

vela: grim reaper you're up first-

GRIM REAPER: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

GRIM REAPER: 177,832,343?

vela: oooooh so close!

vela: tillman?

Tillman: uh

Tillman: 6?

vela: woah he got it first try what a surprise

vela: well them's the breaks i guess

GRIM REAPER: Goddammit.

GRIM REAPER: Every time with this bullshit.

GRIM REAPER: Fine, go to Hell.

vela: k

Tillman: Hey Grim Reaper quick question?

GRIM REAPER: What?

Tillman: Where's your scythe?

GRIM REAPER: Oh that? It sucks bro. I have a riding lawnmower now.

GRIM REAPER: Waaaaaay quicker. Like you wouldn't believe.

Tillman: Huh.

Tillman: Neat.

CHAPTER 30 TILLMAN'S INFERNO

Tillman: Wait they have a Starbucks in Hell?

vela: pfft

vela: they have a starbucks everywhere!

Tillman: Wait is that

vela: oh god

THE SHELLED ONE: Yo

vela: wait you're in hell now?

THE SHELLED ONE: Some part of me is anyway.

THE SHELLED ONE: Whether or not that counts as self?

THE SHELLED ONE: Who knows

vela: you seem

vela:

vela: much more relaxed.

THE SHELLED ONE: Yeah I was a real jerk up there.

THE SHELLED ONE: I was always shouting and screaming and stuff.

THE SHELLED ONE: But then when I died I was like "Well who was I really shouting at?"

THE SHELLED ONE: So then I started talking to this guy Beelzebub and he recommended this one therapist down here who really got me back on track.

vela: wait who is the therapist

THE SHELLED ONE: This guy called uh...

THE SHELLED ONE: Sigmund.

vela: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof

THE SHELLED ONE: Sigmund Hanson!

THE SHELLED ONE: Not Freud.

THE SHELLED ONE: And even if it was Sigmund Freud I don't think I have a mother so he can't be weird about it.

THE SHELLED ONE: Anyway-

THE SHELLED ONE: Now I have a whole new outlook on life-

THE SHELLED ONE: Well, afterlife.

Tillman: Uhhhh

Tillman: Good? for you...? Shelled One?

THE SHELLED ONE: Oh please.

THE SHELLED ONE: Call me Daryl.

vela: im

vela: im not gonna

THE SHELLED ONE: Oh ok that's understandable.

THE SHELLED ONE: After all I tainted your blood with flinch-ability.

THE SHELLED ONE: I totally understand your hesitation towards me.

THE SHELLED ONE: And you know what? I'm fine with it.

THE SHELLED ONE: Anyway, best be getting going.

THE SHELLED ONE: Beach Boy's playing down here tonight and I can't miss that!

*Exit THE SHELLED ONE*

Tillman: Wait.

Tillman: Why are the Beach Boys in hell.

vela: i dunno

vela: i guess god likes the beatles.

CHAPTER 31 SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE HIRITO WILCOX

*Int The Sixth Circle Stadium Parking Lot

Tillman: Look it's Hiroto!

Tillman: We can ask her for directions-

Tillman: Hey Hiroto!

Hiroto: Oh hey have we...

Hiroto: Met?

Tillman:

Tillman: We were in the same division for years

Hiroto: Hrmmmmmmmmm

Tillman: We pitched against each other countless times

Hiroto: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Tillman: I went to your birthday party last year...

Hiroto: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Tillman: You were my designated driver.

Hiroto: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

vela: hey hiroto

Hiroto: Oh shit hey Vela.

Tillman: HOW DO YOU KNOW EACH OTHER?!

Tillman: YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED EACH OTHER!

Tillman: YOU'RE ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE COUNTRY!

vela: ignore him

Hiroto: Oh did you get vampired?

vela: yep cant even use punctuation anymore

Hiroto: Oof yeah it's pretty bad.

Hiroto: So what now?

vela: i think i need to kill the vampire king

Tillman: Or I'll do it.

Hiroto: Oh!

Hiroto: Ok, but make sure he doesn't drink your blood.

vela: i

vela: i dont know how thats possible currently

Hiroto: Ok or when you get it back just make sure Darius doesn't take either of your bloods.

Hiroto: Because he's a King Vampire.

Hiroto: And if a King Vampire drinks your blood you die.

Hiroto: Instantly.

Tillman:

Tillman: Duly noted.

vela: we need directions to the castle

Hiroto: Castle?

vela: yeah

Hiroto: The vampires don't live in a castle anymore, they've upgraded.

vela: how do you upgrade from a castle

CHAPTER 32 A SKYSCRAPER FULL OF VAMPIRES

vela: holy shit dude

vela: so theyre like a company now

Tillman: I guess?

Tillman: Uhhhhhhh????????

Tillman: I guess we go to reception now?

vela: well i mean we could sneak in through the back

Tillman: Yeah I've been wearing the same clothes all night

vela: yeah

vela: not really 'approach receptionist' appropriate

Tillman: Hell these were the clothes we got into a car crash with-

Tillman: Like these are just fucking DISGUSTING outfits right now.

vela: oh yeah for real

vela: anyway let's sneak in the back

CHAPTER 33 THEY SNEAK IN THE BACK

*Int Backrooms

vela: so

vela: you like 2 chainz

Tillman: Yeah! He's pretty good!

vela: oh ok

vela: im not a big rap person or

vela: music person in general

Tillman: Yeah.

vela: i was introduced to 100 gecs a little while back if that counts

vela: i forget who introduced me

Tillman: Probably Stu

Tillman: She's into that nightcore shit.

vela: yeah

vela:

vela: ok real talk what did you think about it

Tillman: Garbage.

vela: thank you

vela: like fuck i know i have to maintain this millennial hipster persona

vela: but god damn did that shit suck

Tillman: You should listen to uhhhh

Tillman: Two Can Win off of J Dilla's Donuts.

Tillman: Dilla like the anti-100 Gecs.

vela: yeah i think i could use it

vela:

vela: its catchy as hell though

Tillman: That shit has been stuck in my head for weeks dude.

Tillman: Specially that horse one or whatever.

Tillman: God dammit.

Tillman: Oh hey look an elevator.

CHAPTER 34 THEY RIDE THE ELEVATOR

Tillman: Ok what floor do we push-

vela: look theres a handy lil guide

vela: 1st floor reception

vela: 2nd floor super reception

vela: 3rd floor sales

vela: 4th floor mega reception

vela: 5th floor break room

vela: 6th floor the only bathroom in this entire building

vela: 7th floor sauna

vela: 8th floor mega reception++ third strike edition turbo

vela: 9th floor public relations

vela: 10th floor flamingo reserve

vela: 11th floor cafeteria

vela: 12th floor satanic altar

vela: 13th floor nonexistant

vela: 14th floor pickle room

vela: 15th floor aquarium shop/sushi restaurant

vela: 16th floor security

vela: 17th floor prison

vela: 19th floor out of order

vela: 18th floor ghoul bakery

vela: 20th floor one big museum that is actually larger than the dynamics of the building would allow and if you lose sight of the elevator you become a part of the museum as a painting or some shit

vela: 21st floor room where you can cry if you need to

vela: 22nd floor employee pool

vela: ah 34th floor throne room

Tillman: What about the floors between 22 and 34?

vela: eh they werent as funny

vela: anyway lets go

*vela presses the 34th floor button*

*the elevator stops at the 6th floor*

*someone else gets on*

CHAPTER 35 OH YEAH OTHER PEOPLE USE ELEVATORS TOO

Elevator Vampire: Uhhhh

Elevator Vampire: Do you guys work here or-

*Tillman stabs him with a stake*

Tillman: Ha! Now I'm in the lead.

vela: dude that was the easiest kill ever that doesn't count

Tillman: Whatever

Tillman: Hey why didn't he explode

Elevator Vampire:

Elevator Vampire?: OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Elevator Vampire?: WHAT THE FUCK

Tillman: Wait

Tillman: Why aren't you 'splodin?

Elevator Vampire?: UHHHHH MAYBE BECAUSE IM NOT A FUCKING VAMPIRE

Not An Elevator Vampire: IM AN INTERN

Not An Elevator Vampire: A VERY CLEARLY HUMAN INTERN

vela: whats your name bro

Not An Elevator Vampire: TODD

Todd: FUCK YOU STAKED ME RIGHT IN THE LEG TOO LIKE

Todd: GOD DAMMIT YOU BITCHES

*The elevator stops on floor 14*

Pickle Vampire: Hey guys I just got a bunch of pickles and

*vela stabs them with a stake*

*they explode*

vela: boom

vela: now im in the lead

Tillman: Fine, 2 to 1.5

vela: gonna increase it when I get that darius bitch

Todd:

*Todd presses the 16th floor button*

vela: hey

vela: what did you just do

Todd: I pressed the hospital floor button

Todd: For my stab wound.

Tillman: Oh ok.

Tillman: Wait wasn't the 16th floor-

*The elevator stops*

*A bunch of vampire security guards see Tillman, Vela, and a stabbed intern on the ground*

Tillman: Shit.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
INTERLUDE 5-SIMON AND HOWELL TALK ABOUT NOTHING

*Ext Fuddrucker's Parking Lot

Simon: Ok so can I just vent at you for a sec-

Howell: Go for it.

Simon: Alright so there's this one like featured story on Snapchat that I always see.

Simon: It's like

Simon: "13 Year Old Builds a Tiny House, and Hides a HUGE SURPRISE from his Parents Inside"

Simon: And I'm like look I want to see the surprise

Simon: But this article just goes on and on and all these pop-up ads and shit happen to make it impossible to read the fucking story.

Simon: And I've tired to read this article like 4 or 5 times now and the ads always make me be like "Well I guess I'm never gonna find out what the huge surprise is"

Simon: And then one day I'm like look I gotta know so I just power through and through

Simon: It takes me an hour to get there

Simon: And when I get to the end the huge surprise?

Howell: Was it love?

Simon: No it was worse.

Simon: It was fucking nothing

Simon: It was just a story about a kid building a tiny house and then going on Good Morning America or some shit

Simon: It sucked so much dude.

Howell: God

Howell: And was it a real story?

Simon: Oh yeah it was a real story but the way they chose to show it was very clearly the shittiest way.

Howell: Fuck, dude.

Simon: Mmmm.

Howell:

Howell: So like

Howell: You know altoids?

Simon: Yeah

Howell: You know those little metal containers they come in?

Howell: Is it bad that I like keep those around for other things?

Simon: No that's actually really good.

Howell: Yeah I miss when there were like

Howell: Metal containers for everything because they're a lot easier to reuse than cardboard and plastic

Simon: Yeah plastic is a fucking awful thing

Simon: Well ok to clarify plastic is TOO GOOD and that makes it awful

Simon: Like "Oh hey here's this very cheap to produce material made of one of the most easy to find elements ever and it can be both really hard and really soft and stretchy and also compact and it doesn't leave any taste anytime you use it."

Simon: "The only downside is it doesn't go away ever"

Howell: Yeah. 

Simon:

Howell: Oh you know what else pisses me off?

Howell: Old Cracker Jack prizes.

Simon: That seems like a very specific gripe.

Howell: No like in the 1930s they gave out like tin whistles

Howell: Then they gave out like plastic spacemen and aliens

Howell: Then they gave out those little

Howell: Hand pinball games

Howell: But in the 21st they were like

Howell: ONLY EDUCATION GIFTS FROM NOW ON

Howell: MAKE THOMAS JEFFERSON'S FACE FROM THIS PAPER TOY

Howell: LEARN ABOUT THE FOUNDING FATHERS AND HOW NOT RACIST THEY ALL WERE.

Howell: Like fuck you Cracker Jacks company I want a toy bitch.

Simon: You know they got rid of the toys now.

Howell: What? That's like the ONLY reason to get Cracker Jacks.

Simon: Yeah it's bullshit.

Howell:

Howell: Yo, it’s late. How long have we been here?

Simon: Hours.

Howell: Wow.

Simon: Yeah, time flies when you talk about nothing.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 36 THE GANG GETS ARRESTED

*Int Floor 17, Prison.

vela: well

vela: shit

Prison Vampire: Oh hey you guys are here too?

vela: oh hey

vela: its you

CHAPTER 37 SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE THOMAS DRACAENA

Thomas: Yeah it's me.

vela: wait why are you in vampire prison

Thomas: Uhhh I may have flown my actual airplane above the King's house.

Thomas: Turns out the noise ruined him trying to make the biggest stack of wine glasses ever made ever.

Thomas: Total mess in the castle

Thomas: Real wacky shit.

Thomas: Plus they all think I'm a vampire when I'm not!

Thomas: Or something.

vela:

vela: so like

vela: why do vampires still have a monarchy

Thomas: Well, see when you can't really die of old age you never really adopt new ideas.

Thomas: We're still on the cubit system.

Tillman: What like from Ancient Eygpt?

Thomas: Yep.

Thomas: Long armed vampires make fucking BANK.

vela: but if you instill vampire democracy you can vote out all the vampire oligarchs to make a new vampire society.

Thomas:

Thomas: I mean it'd be regular democracy.

Thomas: Vampires don't just throw the word 'vampire' in front of shit all the time.

Vampire Guard 1: Hey, stop vampire talking in the vampire cell before I put vampire duct vampire tape over your vampire mouth.

Vampire Guard 2: I dunno boss, I'm into this vampire idea of vampire democracy.

Vampire Guard 1: Yes, but who are we to oppose our outdated and ill-fitting morals as people who suffer because of them?

Vampire Guard 3: I think if we all got together and petitioned to have an audience we could form a Vampa Carta to further push for new rights as the time goes on.

Vampire Guard 2: Oh that sounds like a good idea, I'll go get some more Vampire Guards.

Ceiling Vampire No One Likes: Hey I was just creepin around but if you guys are gonna go for this democracy thing I'm in bro.

Vampire Guard 5: Yeah same here minus the creepin' around part I'm not like a pervert or anything just lonely.

Vampire Guard 6: What are you guys FUCKING talking about?

Vampire Guard 7: I think they're talkin' about democractic reform amongst vampirekind.

Vampire Guard 8: Now there's something I can get behind!

Vampire Guard 9: Hey uhhhhh Darius says they want the

Vampire Guard 9: Wow there are a lot of us in one room

Vampire Guard 27: Yeah you're telling me

Vampire Guard 9: Anyway get the...

Vampire Guard 9: Pale one.

Vampire Guard 9: King wants to see her.

vela: oh

vela: that can't be good

CHAPTER 38 IT WASN'T

*Int Throne Room

vela: yoooo who's the wrinkly mfer

Vampire Guard 9: Silence!

Vampire Guard 9: You stand in the presence of the King of all Vampires for Countless Moons, Darius the Defiler and Destroyer of Worlds, Ruler of the-

vela: hey are you the king

King Darius: Yep.

King Darius: That's me.

vela:

vela: youre kind of a dick

King Darius: Wow, okay.

King Darius: First off, you didn't bow or anything when you showed up.

King Darius: Secondly, this is the first time we've met.

King Darius: And to be fair from what I've heard you've killed 3 people in one night.

King Darius: And I guess you're after me too, now?

King Darius: From this throne, you're the 'kind of a dick.'

vela:

vela: ok so do i stab you now or

King Darius: Nope. I just personally wanted to watch as I consumed your blood and became a god.

vela:

vela: wait what

King Darius: You see Velasquez, we have been tracking you for many years now. As vampires we are immortal, but even with millennia our bodies decay. I cannot even leave my throne room for fear of withering.

vela: maybe youre just a lazy piece of shit bitch

King Darius: But you, and your blood, allows you to turn back time. And soon, once I consume this Fedex Package, I will become truly immortal, and will stake my claim to the entire world!

vela: yeah well 

vela: ill stake my claim

vela:

vela: in your face

vela: #owned

King Darius: Ah, I would feel a bit insulted, were I not moments away from completing my plan...

vela: wait yeah about that

vela: your entire plan hinged on me ordering dominos

King Darius: Correct.

vela:

vela: so if i ordered pizza hut youd be fucked right

vela: this is what im understanding

King Darius: Also correct.

vela: you know maybe youre just a shitty ruler

vela: monarchy sucks

King Darius: From my prospective it's pretty great.

King Darius: Anyway, say goodbye to your blood!

vela: no i made that myself!

Tillman: Stop right there!

CHAPTER 39 TILLMAN REAPPEARS

Tillman: You can't drink her blood!

vela: tillman

vela: howd you get out

Tillman: Well-

CHAPTER 37.5 THE GREAT ESCAPE

*Int Jail

Tillman:

Vampire Guard 2: So...

Vampire Guard 2: Do you like anime-

Tillman: SMOKE SCREEN!

*Tillman vapes in the guard's face*

Vampire Guard 2: AH WHAT THE FUCK

*Tillman steals the keys*

CHAPTER 40 TILLMAN'S SACRIFICE

Tillman: You can't drink her blood!

King Darius: Why the fuck not?

Tillman: Because it's got flinch in it.

vela: what

Tillman: The Shelled One has put a curse on her blood, and I assume consuming it would pass the curse onto you.

King Darius: I

King Darius: I don't think that's how it works, bub.

Tillman: Oh yeah? You brave enough to find out?

King Darius:

King Darius: Fair enough. But what is the point of telling me this?

Tillman: Because I'll make you a deal.

Tillman: If you let Vela get her blood back-

Tillman: You can take my blood instead.

vela: what

King Darius:

King Darius: Or I could just take it now.

Tillman: But-

King Darius: I am in no way obliged to make a deal with you.

King Darius: What makes your blood special? 

Tillman: Uhhh I came back to life, I'm pretty sure I am some kind of magic.

Tillman: Like maybe if you drink my blood you'll get like...

Tillman: Double immortality? An extra life?

Tillman: I’m very rich?

King Darius:

King Darius: ...Fuck it, let's find out.

*Darius rushes Tillman and drinks his blood*

CHAPTER 41 TILLMAN FUCKING DIES

tillman: wow

tillman: that really hurt actually

tillman: its like that dentist thing that sucks your spit out but your entire body

tillman: now give vela her

King Darius: -No.

tillman: what

tillman: but

King Darius: I didn't promise anything!

King Darius: I just took it!

vela: wait but why is he

King Darius: Uh, didn't you hear?

King Darius: If a King vampire drinks your blood, you die.

King Darius: I'm sure someone told you.

tillman: bummer dude

vela: tillman

vela: tillman are you

tillman:

vela: tillman

tillman:

CHAPTER 42 TILLMAN GOES TO HEAVEN

*Int ?????????

???: Tillman V. Henderson.

???: Arise my child.

Tillman: Yo what the fuck-

Tillman: Why are there clouds and shit?

???: You are in the afterlife-

Tillman: Like heaven?

???: Well not exactly but

???: Have you ever seen The Good Place?

Tillman: No sitcoms suck ass.

???:

???: Wow I am really doubting my choice to let you in here.

???: But anyway yes you are in the heaven equivalent of the blaseball afterlife.

Tillman: Oh lit. Like the Hall of Flame?

???: No.

Tillman: Oh.

Tillman: Are you like God?

???:

God?: If it makes it easier to comprehend.

God?: My child, while you have lived a life of sin, your final act of selflessness has deemed you worthy to enter these hollowed halls.

God?: Here you will gallivant with heroes of yore for the rest of your spiritual existence. You will feel nothing but pleasure and comfort for the rest of your-

Tillman: Hold on.

Tillman: "Life of sin."

Tillman: Who the fuck do you think you are?!

God?: Uh

God?: God.

God?: And you were kind of an asshole like your entire time on elarth.

Tillman: So?

Tillman: I did a bunch of good things too!

Tillman: Like the swap! And the sacrificing myself just now!

God?: Name a third thing.

Tillman: 

Tillman: Fuck you.

God?: Look, all I'm saying is your abrasive attitude towards others made it hard for people to connect with you.

God?: Even though I saw that you are a good person, how you treated others didn't reflect that in the slightest.

Tillman:

Tillman: I...

Tillman: I guess you have a point.

God?: In the end, you did get better.

God?: Slightly.

God?: But opening up to people is a two way street, Tillman.

Tillman:

Tillman: Yeah, I guess I'll have to change that when I get back.

God?: Wait what do you mean get back.

God?: This is a final resting place-

*The ground crumbles away*

Tillman: See, I knew I was gonna die but

Tillman: Only for a little bit.

God?: What?!

God?: So you knew you were going to come back to life?

God?: Oh you are SO going to hell next time, buster!

Tillman: Hey one more thing:

*Tillman flips off God*

CHAPTER 43 NEVERMIND HE'S TOTALLY FINE

Vela: Tillman!

Tillman: Oh shit my blood's back already?

Vela: Yeah mine is too. When Darius started doing....

Vela: That.

Vela: I grabbed mine from the Fedex Package.

Vela: And I think Darius's body rejected your blood and went back into you?

*Darius is very clearly dying*

Vela: If that makes any sense?

Tillman: Hell yeah dog.

King Darius: WHAT WAS IN THAT?

Tillman: Well you see before I left this morning I did sort of-

Tillman: Eat some garlic knots.

Tillman: My blood was pure poison, bitch!

Tillman: Now take this!

*Tillman throws the iCarly Season 3 Box set at Darius*

King Darius: What the fuck-

*Vela stabs him with a stake*

Vela: Boom! That's 3 Baby!

Tillman: Ok wow, he 100% died because of me.

Vela: No, no, hold on.

Vela: This was MY kill.

Vela: Final shot-Score is 3-1.5

Tillman: No, because he was dying before I even got to him. You mercy killed.

Prince Darius: Does it really matter?

Vela: 

Vela: Goddammit.

Prince Darius: That's right, I was waiting in the wings the whole time!

Prince Darius: Plot relevant to the very end!

Prince Darius: Now, I will avenge my father and ascend to the throne myself!

Vela: Does

Vela: Does 2-against-1 with two professional athletes who just killed a stronger version of you seem like a good idea?

Prince Darius: Unlike my father I have a different strategy.

Tillman: Yeah? And what's that?

*Prince Darius Pulls Out a Gun*

CHAPTER 44 OH SHIT THE PRINCE CAME PACKING

Tillman: Fuck.

Vela: ...Hey so...

Vela: Is there any scenario where this doesn't end in you shooting us?

Prince Darius: No.

Vela: Aw shucks.

Tillman: Well you won't shoot me and my friend because-

Vela: We're not-

Vela: Ah fuck it, whatever.

Tillman: Aw that's really-

Tillman: Wait nevermind, because of-

Tillman: SMOKE SCREEN!

*Tillman tries to vape but it's empty*

Tillman:

Tillman: Aw shit I'm out of juice.

Vela: Really?

Vela: Of all times that you, Tillman "I Tried to Smoke Hotbox Sato" Henderson to run out of vape, you choose NOW?

Tillman: Hey, I was gonna buy more when I went to the Entrance.

Tillman: In fact, you getting attacked by a vampire actively prevented me from saving our lives.

Tillman: So thanks for killing us!

Vela: Wow!

Vela: Wow OK!

Prince Darius: Alright I'm gonna kill you two now.

Tillman: Aw...

*Enter Vampire Guards*

Vampire Guard 3: Hey.

Vampire Guard 3: Me and the other Vampire Guards talked and we're now a democracy instead of a capitalist pseudo mono/oligarchy. 

Vampire Guard 3: And so you don't have the legal authority to shoot those guys.

Prince Darius:

Prince Darius: OK who told them about democracy-

Prince Darius: I specifically told everyone to not let them know about democracy.

Tillman: So wait is he still a prince?

Vampire Guard 2: No he's more of a...

Vampire Guard 2: Civil servant? I guess?

Civil Servant Darius: And I would've gotten away with it too!

Civil Servant Darius: If it wasn't for you meddling kids!

Tillman: Dude I'm like 32.

Tillman: Anyway let's bounce.

CHAPTER 45 THE DARING ESCAPE FROM HELL

*Int Gates of Hell

GRIM REAPER: Ok what the fuck

GRIM REAPER: How did you leave Hell looking more alive?

Vela: Uhhhh

Vela: The vitamin D replenished my youthful physique?

GRIM REAPER: You were underground the entire time.

GRIM REAPER: Did you make a deal with the Devil?

GRIM REAPER: Because that's really not great if I'm gonna be honest.

Vela: Do we have to play a game to exit Hell?

GRIM REAPER: YES.

GRIM REAPER: And in order to make sure there are no tricks-

GRIM REAPER: TILLMAN shall choose the game and YOU shall compete.

Vela: Uhhh ok.

Tillman: Alright so-

Tillman: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and a billion.

CHAPTER 46 THEY ESCAPE FROM HELL

*Int The Denny's Right Outside The Gates of Hell You Know the One

Tillman: I can't believe it fell for the same thing twice.

Vela: Yeah. Death is a lot less intelligent than I thought.

Tillman: Mmm.

Vela: Ok look, we should probably catch the next bus-

Tillman: No.

Vela: Oh not this again-

Tillman: Look, the last two buses I missed BDG and nearly got killed.

Tillman: I'm not super excited to see what the 3rd one has in store for me.

Vela: So how do we get home?

Tillman: What if I told you being rich has perks?

Vela:

Vela: I'm listening.

CHAPTER 47 TILLMAN CALLS IN A FAVOR

*Int Henderson Private Jet

Tillman: Now see-

Tillman: This is how to get home in style-

Vela: Huh.

Vela: You know I gotta say, public transport is pretty rad but this is...

Vela: ...OK.

Vela: Wait I thought you didn't have your family money anymore?

Tillman: Eh, I still have access to the non-monetary ameneties.

Vela:

Vela: So wait who's paying for the gas?

Tillman: Planes need gas?

Vela:

Vela: Anyway I need to uh

Vela: Make a phone call-

Tillman: Oh yeah you can do that because it's a private jet.

Vela: Oh and Tillman?

Tillman: Yeah?

Vela: Thanks. For uh...sticking with me. I guess?

Tillman: Oh yeah it's nothing. Better than staying home and like...

Tillman: I dunno, rewatching Mork and Mindy.

Vela: I thought you hated sitcoms?

Tillman: Mork and Mindy isn't a sitcom.

Tillman: Mork and Mindy is an EXPERIENCE.

Vela:

Vela: Anyway.

CHAPTER 48 VELA ORDERS A PIZZA, AGAIN

*Ring ring*

DOMINO'S: Thank you for calling Domino's, Charleston! An associate will be on with you shortly. Hope you have a Domino'sriffic day!

Vela: 

Vela:

Vela:

Vela: I know you're there.

DOMINO'S: Oh sorry.

DOMINO'S: What can I get you?

Vela: Ok for starters one of your delivery boys attacked me

Vela: And I went through a wacky series of misadventures that eventually led to the death of my friend and us dismantling a secret society of the undead.

Vela: Can I get anything for that?

DOMINO'S: No.

Vela:

Vela: Like I can't get a coupon?

DOMINO'S: You can get 10% this order if you promise not to tweet about it!

Vela:

Vela: Fuckin' alright.

Vela: Anyway I'll take a personal pan and a uh...

Vela: A large Sprite.

DOMINO'S: Is Sierra Mist ok?

Vela: No!

Vela: I know you have Sprite!

Vela: I was in the restaurant yesterday!

DOMINO'S:

DOMINO'S: We'll see what we can do.

Vela: If there is a Sierra Mist in there I swear-

Tillman: Oh hey can I get somethin'?

Vela: Actually-

Vela: Wait you ate my previous pizza.

Vela: You should be paying for it!

Tillman: 

Tillman: Nevermind...

Vela:

Vela: And uhhh garlic knots.

DOMINO'S: Alright, is that for pickup or delivery?

Vela: Delivery, but I uh-

Vela: Tillman when are we gonna land?

Tillman: Like 5 hours.

Vela: Yeah delivery it to Choux Stadium in like 5 hours.

DOMINO'S:

DOMINO'S: Did you call 4.5 hours early-

Vela: OK BYE LOVE YOU.

*Vela hangs up*

Tillman: Did

Tillman: Did you just say you 'love' the Domino's guy?

Vela: You know what?

*Vela flips off Tillman*

Tillman:

Tillman: I have never been so proud.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INTERLUDE 6 - THE HUSBANDS CLEAN UP

*Int Games's Totally Canonical Yacht

*Thoroughly trashed from last night's party

Richardson: Yo uhhh

Richardson: I just got off the phone with Vela.

Cornelius: She tell you the vampire story?

Richardson: Yeah.

Richardson:

Richardson: Really weird right?

Cornelius: Yeah. 

Cornelius: Apparently they're both murderers now?

Cornelius: Like double murderers?

Richardson: And Jaylen was there? Didn't feel like that part fit in with the rest of the story.

Cornelius: I think it was supposed to be some kind of development.

Richardson: For who? Vela? Tillman? Jaylen? It just felt like a different thing entirely.

Cornelius: And are Vela and Tillman friends now? What's up with that?

Richardson: And where did Winnie Hess's parade go? They had like one line and then disappeared.

Cornelius: Yeah it makes no sense. Plus I'm pretty sure Lou Bega's written a ton of songs.

Cornelius: And that capitalization/punctuation thing for Vela wasn't funny at all.

Richardson: Mmmm.

Richardson: Also they don't make Cheese Nips anymore!

Richardson: What the fuck?!

Cornelius: Eh it feels like we're nitpicking at this point.

Cornelius: Though it does feel weird you weren't in this story at all.

Richardson: Yeah, I know! Blood draining is my whole thing!

Cornelius: Anyway...Happy Halloween, babe.

Richardson: Happy Halloween.

CHAPTER X 3 DAYS LATER

*Int Shoe Thieves Lounge

Vela: So anyway, flareon is no longer the only fully evolved fire type that cannot learn solar beam-

Tillman: Hey Vela.

Vela: Oh hey Tillman what's up?

Tillman: Remember how I impounded your car.

Vela: Oh yeah.

Vela: That was kind of shitty of you.

Vela: Did you get it back?

Tillman: Well, me and Jaylen kind of agreed it was a giant piece of garbge

Tillman: And she still felt bad about lying to you for like a year and a half.

Tillman: So we did you one better.

Vela: Did you

Vela: Did you get me a new car?

Tillman: Not just any car...

*Tillman opens up the curtains*

*Outside is a bright blue Hummer with a bow on it*

Tillman: Merry Christmas, Vela.

Vela:

Vela: God fucking dammit Tillman.


End file.
